Do the Funky Chicken
by violet gray
Summary: A re-telling of Niles & CC's adventures during episode 3.1 Pen Pals, and the aftermath of their cheeky smooch.
1. Chapter 1

_Note: This chapter, which re-tells the Niles/CC parts of the episode, was just going to be an introduction but got a little out of hand, as tends to happen when I start writing about these two in the middle of the night after a dinner of iced coffee and biscuits. There will be a further chapter or two to follow regarding the aftermath. It's all just fun, please enjoy!_

_._

"You are going to meet this Lenny so you can see once and for all that he is no better than I am."

Niles grinned to himself. "You are."

"Would you just..." Maxwell shot over his shoulder, before realising what he'd said. "You are." He corrected himself to Fran, who wasn't giving him enough attention anyway.

Niles shook his head, smiling at the pair. They were like children sometimes. He assumed one day they would notice and accept how tied to each other they were - how could they not? Until that day Niles considered it his duty to push and to tease them.

He wondered briefly what it would feel like to be so entwined with another person, which led him to wonder why he had never been jealous of the relationship his boss and his friend shared.

'You're getting sappy in your old age', he thought to himself, and was beginning to feel rather pensive and lethargic when CC glided dramatically through the door. Niles' adrenalin levels spiked sharply.

"Hello, hello! Ready to work?" she crooned. Niles had to stop himself chuckling with delight. Mr. Sheffield was in denial about his possessiveness when it came to Fran, he'd tell CC he'd be back soon but he wouldn't be, he wouldn't be. And CC would wait, Niles knew she would. Her willingness to blindly obey every thoughtless word that came out of Mr. Sheffield's mouth was the only thing about her that really made Niles angry. But in this case it meant he would have the whole evening to play with her. A whole evening with her blinkered by frustration and desire. A whole evening with that dress hugging her curves so perfectly, with that expanse of milky skin... ...

Niles quickly fired out a silly quip to avoid boarding that particular train of thought.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Maxwell, darling, is that you?"

Once again Niles had to reign in his glee. It was almost too perfect.

"Sshhh. Don't turn around." he whispered, dimming the lights and stepping as close to her as he would allow himself. At times like this he was glad for her ridiculous infatuation with Mr. Sheffield, she was far too clever to fall for such crude tricks when not blinded by entirely illogical dreams.

He blew gently across the back of her neck, which sent a shiver right down to CC's toes, which made Niles lean closer, perilously close, to her.

"I'm yours," she squeaked, before attempting to collect herself. She slowly let her breath out and, managing a much more seductive lilt, asked "What do you want me to do?"

Niles practically swooned at the possibilities. He considered blindfolding her in an attempt to prolong the ruse, but she was going to see through it soon regardless. It had to be quick. Asking her to do something sexual was too obvious and might be too shaming. There would be no joy in the endeavor if she were really hurt or humiliated. No, he needed something ludicrous. Embarrassing, yes, but ludicrous. As always, that would be the best way to garner the rich, sophisticated, workaholic's full attention. It was no fun at all insulting her if she just shrugged it off.

Niles thought carefully, relishing the knowledge that she would not easily shrug off this prank.

"Cluck like a chicken." he eventually whispered.

He noticed CC's change of posture immediately - she stilled and straightened, confused. A moment of panic hit him, she had recognised his voice. He had gone too far. She was going to turn around.

But she didn't.

"It turns me on." He allowed himself to lean closer to her ear.

He could see her considering, could sense her excitement as she decided, and he noticed her, just ever so slightly, raise her arms to mimic wings. Niles realised his hands were gripped so tightly that they'd gone numb. He couldn't remember ever having felt quite so intense a thrill.

Then she clucked.

Niles really did swoon then. He had goosebumps. He could have laughed forever, he could have sobbed, he could have married CC, he could have torn off her dress and taken her right there on the desk, he could have died. It was perfect, he couldn't have imagined it so perfectly. He had expected, if anything, a ridiculous squawking, something over the top and childish, but, damn her, she was managing to make chicken noises unbelievably, unbearably sexy. As he fought desperately to control himself, as he wished this moment would last forever, as he tried to learn every movement of muscle over her shoulder blades, he marveled at her. She was like no other woman on earth. What other woman could be so impossibly brilliant, such a worthy opponent, and yet conversely so deliciously gullible. She was undefeatable, but every battle was a joy, she never did anything by halves. No other woman would have clucked like that.

CC was slowly turning. Niles had ample time to brace himself, but when she saw him and her cluck transformed into a scream he had to bite his lip.

CC had leapt away from him. She was pressed against the desk looking appalled, trying to fold herself up. Niles didn't like to see her like that, he wanted her to recover quickly, to get angry. To respond to him.

"Mr. Sheffield's been delayed. Did you think I was him?!" he asked, with extravagant disbelief.

But she was still in shock. He made a stupid joke about eggs, then left the room. She would take some time to compose herself, but she would follow him eventually. Of that he had no doubt.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Niles was mindlessly folding (then unfolding, then re-folding) a single towel when CC stalked out of the study a few minutes later. He tensed in anticipation even as a soft smile bloomed over his face. CC held the bottle of champagne she had set out for the romantic dinner in one hand and two scotch glasses in the other. The bottle, Niles noticed, was already a third empty.

She threw one of the scotch glasses at him. She threw it hard. He managed to catch it clumsily as she covered the distance between them, then filled both glasses with champagne and took a large gulp from hers. Her face contorted as the wave of bubbles hit the back of her throat but her eyes never left Niles'.

She was furious. And she was fascinated.

Why on earth did he act this way? Why had he spent so much time and effort over so many years tormenting her?

And why, why did she continue, after so many years, to play his game? Why was her heart still hammering in her chest? Why did her skin snap, crackle and pop as she considered with delight all the things she could do to him in retaliation?

Why did the rest of the world seem so dull?

CC unceremoniously plonked the champagne bottle on the coffee table, grabbed the decanter of scotch from the sideboard and shoved past Niles to unceremoniously plonk herself on the couch. Niles was wary, but CC was drunk, he felt it was safe enough to sit beside her.

He could feel the warmth from her arm, could feel how relaxed she was. He liked relaxed CC, she was a rare one.

She was drinking at a tremendous pace, though. The bottle of champagne was empty before they had spoken a word.

After tipping the last drops from the bottle into her mouth CC filled both their glasses with scotch, knocked back and refilled her own, then sat back and sighed.

"Niles, I don't make it a habit of drinking with the help." she said, her voice unnervingly smooth.

"I've never been any help to you." Niles retorted sullenly.

"Exactly."

Niles looked up in time to catch the glorious glint in her eye. He had to watch himself so carefully around her. She had had twice as much as him to drink, probably hadn't eaten dinner either, yet even now could completely disarm him with far less effort than he cared to admit. With far less effort than she realised. God, if she ever _did_ realise he'd be sunk, she would win every bout with nothing more than a wink or a smile. Or a touch.

Niles found he didn't dislike the thought nearly as much as he wished he would.

They clinked glasses, then downed the contents. He had to watch himself.

"So tell me, Rochester..."

Niles tried to glare at her but she wasn't paying attention. She didn't look at him as often as he looked at her.

"What d'you _do_ to kill a day before I came along?"

Although still not looking at him CC was genuinely curious. She was also, although doing her best to hide it, slightly tense at having asked him a proper question, and slightly jealous wondering what else had attracted his attention in the past. Or who else.

CC didn't look at Niles as often as he did her, but she thought about him. She was constantly surprised at how curious she was about the elusive butler, and she was constantly fighting that curiosity. Forcing herself to look away, to focus on other things. She had lately started to play his game too often, throwing insults back at him, responding to his elaborate pranks. She had lost count of the times she had finally looked up from a verbal slinging match with Niles to find Maxwell or the nanny or, on one occasion, all three children staring at her with such surprised, perplexed expressions. She would have to watch herself around him.

Niles was thinking. He found he was having a great deal of difficulty remembering life before CC Babcock with any clarity.

"Truth be told my life was a little empty," he said, realising immediately just how true that statement was. "But now I have a hobby," he sneered (He had to watch himself).

Rather than anger her, the change in Niles' tone and the grin on his face made the blood in CC's fingers tingle. She had to watch herself. She placed the glass heavily on the table and stood, swaying only slightly.

"I loathe you." she said, rolling each word around her mouth carefully.

Niles let her voice wash over him before standing and facing her.

"I despise you." He said, trying to match her low, smooth tone.

"ServanT."

"Trollop." that word had entered his head only because of the way her voice had hitched on the t in servant, he HAD to watch himself.

"Bell. Boy."

CC's hands slip up her hips and she stepped still closer to him. It took all of Niles' willpower not to step back. Or to lean closer. Time to pull out the big guns.

"Brunette."

The effect was not as he had hoped. In fact he could swear there was a sparkle in her eyes.

Her eyes, he could hardly stand it.

He flung his arms around her, fighting an intense desire to squeeze her hard, to bite her, to lick her all over, to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze her and never let go.

His mind was too clouded to notice CC had flung her arms around him at almost precisely the same time, that she was now squeezing him harder than he was her, that it was her deepening the kiss to such an intensity it felt they were trying to consume each other.

Niles felt her nails start to press into his skull with exquisite pressure when the sound of the door closing registered somewhere in the back of his mind.

He broke the kiss and stared blankly at Maxwell and Fran, still only aware of the feel of CC's dress beneath his hands.

She returned to earth first, picking up her bag and walking with a smooth, confident gait Niles resented (how was she still so sober and so beautifully composed? He felt he was about to explode.) to the door. He wished he wasn't following her so closely. He was almost matching her movements, afraid of what was going to happen when the distance between them lengthened, when the ghost of her fingertips evaporated from his hair. But he couldn't pull back.

"Good night Maxwell. Fanny Nine." CC said with her customary assurance, not thinking of the words enough to notice her fumble. Not thinking of the words at all.

Niles suppressed a relieved grin. She was just as stunned as he was.

CC paused and turned. Niles had stepped into the door frame with her as though to follow her out.

"Swine." she said softly.

"Chicken." his voice was even softer. He was leaning towards her again, gazing steadily into her eyes.

Although she had clearly seen it coming, had practically served it to him on a plate, CC could not stop the shiver running the full length of her spine.

Niles saw her quiver, watched her with chin raised and shoulders back stalk into the night without her coat, and thought he had never been so turned on in all his life.

Where could they possibly go from here?

On the other hand could any two people possibly be as intimately entwined as they were?


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks so much for the kind reviews, guys, they're very greatly appreciated._

_This little vignette hasn't materialised at all the way I imagined it. They can be slippery creatures, these two - I don't think I managed to capture them in this piece, although the hunt was still a whole lot of fun. There may be another chapter to follow, depending on whether or not I can convince them to do anything at all I want them to. _

.

Niles punched the alarm clock off with more than usual vigor. He was strangely wary. It wasn't until he had stretched and shaken off the tendrils of sleep he realised why; the encounter with CC was still humming through his veins. He smiled to himself as he padded towards the bathroom, relishing the memory, but as his thoughts coalesced his smile faded. Would they have to talk about this? Would things change, would she become suddenly shy? He couldn't imagine her shy, but then nothing quite like this had happened before.

All the time he was dressing and making his way down to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, mulling over the evening and it's possible consequences, it never once occurred to Niles to attempt to pursue a relationship with CC. Of course he found her attractive and such interactions with her made him feel alive like nothing else on earth could, but he still imagined he disliked her. Was scornful of her, even.

At least that's how he had always imagined he felt, although if he ever stopped to think about it he realised he regarded her with more awe and curiosity than he did anyone else. He, therefore, simply never let himself stop to think about it. He assumed CC would never look twice at him, and subconsciously her feelings were more significant to him than his own. How could she think of him as anything more than a domestic? No, the only way he could make her react to him was to trick her. The best way to light that spark in her eyes was to provoke her and the best way to provoke her was to tease her.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Much to Niles' surprise Fran wandered into the kitchen as he was flipping the first pancake, half an hour before she usually rose.

"Please, Miss Fine, I know very well you'd have me fired if, god forbid, I should forget to put the cream out again. You needn't supervise."

Fran studied his features, ignoring his words. "You know I had the weirdest dream last night."

"Oh?" said Niles, sliding the pancake onto a plate with as casual an air as he could muster.

"Yeah. You and Miss Babcock were tearing at each other in the lounge room," she paused, still watching him. "It was terrifying."

Niles rolled his eyes. "How do you think I felt?"

Fran groaned, thumping him on the arm. "Is that what you two get up to when you're left alone?"

Niles had a brief memory of dancing around the foyer in shorts and sunglasses until, suddenly, there was CC, and that smile, that delighted little smile on her face. His shoulders relaxed as the image appeared in his mind.

Fran was only further bewildered by his distant, contented expression.

"Is there anything... I mean I don't want to... ... ... Oh my god, you guys are weird." She threw her hands up in resignation and sat with an exasperated sigh.

Niles hesitated. He had just come to the conclusion that it wasn't that big a deal, it had all happened so naturally. There had been no awkwardness last night, why should there be any the next time they met. Fran's interest in the... event was making him uneasy, he just wanted things to go back to normal.

"We were drunk," he said, shrugging. "And too tired to keep thinking of clever new ways to insult each other. Coffee?"

Fran accepted without further comment, although she did narrow her eyes at him suspiciously.

After a moment of slightly tense silence Maxwell pushed through the swinging door. He, to Niles' relief, seemed entirely oblivious.

"Morning all." He poured himself a coffee.

As he was wandering back out he stopped in the doorway to point at Niles. "Oh, I almost forgot, I spoke to CC ..."

Niles tensed.

"... I asked her to come over today as we didn't get any work done last night." His words were completely free of suggestion, although Fran did snort into her mug.

"She'll be joining us for breakfast."

"Very good, Sir." Niles said, in what he hoped was an unconcerned tone. This was already becoming oppressive. He _needed_ things to return to normal.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

As Niles was carrying a laden tray into the dining room the doorbell chimed. He placed the tray down and took a deep breath before making his way through the house to answer it. It was, of course, CC, and she, of course, looked divine.

"Did I leave my dictaphone here?" she asked, not even glancing up at him as she dug through her bag.

Niles should have had a hundred different zingers to fire at her after that line. Instead he silently opened the closet and reached into the pocket of the coat CC had left the night before. He held the recorder out to her and she took it without meeting his eyes.

Niles was suddenly unbearably sad. Perhaps everything had changed, perhaps it would be months before they could forget the weird intensity with which they had thoughtlessly embraced and go back to trading insults and pranks. Perhaps it would be months before he again felt that electricity shoot through his tired bones.

CC was half way across the lounge room by the time this horrifying thought prompted Niles to action.

"Miss Babcock..." he said, hurrying over to her. She stopped and turned but was still arranging her bag, still not looking at him.

"Oh, for goodness' sake, stop that," Niles snapped. CC finally looked up, surprised. Niles took a ragged breath.

"Don't you think.. I mean if you're going to be like that... shouldn't we discuss... ..."

Niles was uncomfortable - the alien thought took some time to anchor in CC's mind. A cheshire cat grin slowly spread across her features. She never got to see him nervous. It was her turn to remember his little dance routine, but her memory centred around his reaction to her. Even when she had caught him in that astonishing, delightful state he had barely raised a wry eyebrow.  
But now, now he was clasping and unclasping his hands, stammering uncertainly.

"Discuss, what, Maude?" CC had woken that morning with a splitting headache, which she realised had now abruptly and entirely dissolved.

Niles regained enough of his composure to frown at her. "Shouldn't we discuss the... incident..."

"Incident?" CC said, with all the innocence of a saint.

Niles sighed, annoyed with himself and with her. "Never mind," he muttered, making his way past her.

"You mean when you mauled me?" CC continued, ignoring his retreat. "There's a simple solution, quit kissing me."

"_I_ mauled _you_?!"Niles cried whipping around to face her again. He wasn't sure how the conversation had taken this turn, or why CC was looking so pleased with herself. But at least they were back to yelling at each other.

"Babs, you were clawing me so desperately I have bruises down my back. I'm surprised you didn't rip my suit."

"I was trying to pull you away. After you kissed me."

Niles took a step closer, fuming. CC's grin only widened.

Maxwell called from the dining room, but Niles didn't seem to hear.

"Look, I think we both know _you_ kissed _me_..." Niles began, but his annoyance was fading fast, mainly because he didn't believe a word of what he was saying.

Maxwell called again and CC looked around, distracted. As much fun as it was standing there annoying the butler, there was actually a great deal of work to be done and she was famished now her hangover had worn off.

"Niles," she held up her hand to stop him. "If it's so important to you, fine." She grasped his arm and planted a short, firm kiss on his lips. "You win. Now let me go before those savages devour all the pancakes."

She stalked out, leaving Niles blinking after her. A smile gently tugged the corners of his mouth. What an idiot he'd been to worry that such a silly little episode could disrupt their strange rhythm, as if it were so delicate. He should have known his relationship with the infuriating old socialite was the most stable in his life.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Fran watched curiously from the dining table as CC served herself. She and Niles were standing as close as was possible without touching, reaching across each other in smooth, fluid movements. CC picked up a roll then dusted her hand on Niles' blazer. He scowled after her but she didn't look up, and he made no other reaction. Fran was intrigued. She continued to watch them through breakfast. When Niles poured CC's coffee he rested his arm across the back of her chair and leaned remarkably close. They didn't speak a word to each other, except for one particularly cruel barb from CC which Fran could have sworn made Niles smirk.

Fran was aware, of course, of the tremendous energy that flickered between the pair whenever they were in the same room, but had always previously put it down to pure hatred. She was beginning to suspect there was rather more to it than that.


End file.
